Jack and Emma are making a last-ditch effort to fix their marriage. Jack sits across the room from you, arms folded tightly across his chest, his jaw clenched. Emma can’t keep still. She leans toward you and declares emphatically, “Pastor, we need serious help. We can’t make it five minutes without arguing. We can hardly stand to be in the same room together. If something … [Read more...]
The initial marriage counseling session
Where do I start? Ministry requires never-ending learning and growing. I am constantly reminded about something I need to do and develop. Just a few weeks ago, a fellow elder emailed me, asking for guidance for how he and his wife should start their first meeting with a couple who was in marital crisis. My mind raced through my various training lessons and notes. What I … [Read more...]
Premarital counseling
When I’m talking to a pre-marriage couple, they’re giddy, they’re excited, they’re enthused about what’s coming. And I want to be enthused with them, because it is an exciting thing. And one of the things that this tends to do then is encourage them to think they’re better off than what they really are. The excitement, the emotion—all of that—has sort of clouded their ability … [Read more...]
5 common marriage counseling mistakes
Pastors are all familiar with that couple. The couple that asks for help and says something has to change, and now! But why the sudden urgency? Maybe something has come out: there’s been adultery, a secret sin, or an addiction that has been discovered. Or, it may be that what has been irritating for five, ten, or twenty years has reached a tipping point and become unbearable. … [Read more...]
4 questions for abusive husbands
When working with husbands who have been abusive, you will find that most all of them have a stubborn blindness to what they are doing that is destructive to their wife. Their habit patterns are to blame and to accuse rather than take the time to reflect upon their own attitudes and behaviors. When they are asked the question, “Why did you behave that way?” their answer is … [Read more...]