Picture this scenario:
David, an elder in the church, walks into his pastor’s office, lips pressed in a thin line, raking his fingers through his hair.
“What’s up?” Pastor Greg asks.
“I just don’t get it! It’s like my son Josh has completely ignored everything I’ve taught him. He talks back to me; he doesn’t do his chores until I practically force him to; and this morning, I asked how he did on his history test, and he said the teacher canceled the test. Well, I just got a call from Mrs. Anders saying we needed to talk about the history test Josh failed yesterday. He lied!”
Pastor Greg knows David and his family well, and he knows that David and his wife, Jennifer, are already doing these things:
- Incorporating rules, setting boundaries, and enforcing consequences
- Modeling what to do, not what not to do
- Teaching their children about the Lord at home and through church
- Carefully monitoring ungodly influences
So what can Pastor Greg say to help David? His current parenting practices are already based on reasonable, and biblical, principles.
This article discusses three mistakes parents make that are based on legitimate parenting practices and includes a discussion on why each practice sounds right to a parent, what the parent is missing, and how you can teach him to parent God’s way.
1. Making parenting all about rules
Why this mistake is understandable
God gives us rules, which is how parents know that rules are good. It makes sense that parents establish rules for their children. The trouble comes when establishing and enforcing rules is the center of one’s parenting strategy.
A better approach
In order to use rules the way God does, parents need to be reminded that God created rules so we’d recognize that we need Him to save us from the consequences of breaking them. Rules remind us that we need a Savior.
Dr. Jim Newheiser, director of The Institute for Biblical Counseling and Discipleship, says, “Gospel-centered parenting is going to be continually reminding us that none of us can keep the standard, that the law reveals our sinful inability to keep the law. So gospel parenting can show grace when there’s failure because I’m a sinner who’s received grace, and we offer grace and we offer forgiveness. But it’s also going to point the failed sinner, our child, to the Cross as the real solution for the problem.”1
Parents cannot expect their children to obey perfectly. And while parents use rules to maintain order in the home, ultimately, the rules should demonstrate to the children that they need God, the only One who can change hearts. This means that when our children fail to obey, it may be a good time to use their failure to point them to the gospel.
For instance, here is a parent/child dialogue of what that could look like:
Mom: You know that Dad and I do not allow you to go inside Maddie’s house because their family watches some TV shows and listens to music that we don’t want you hearing. But you went anyway. You disobeyed us.
Daughter [hangs head]: I know.
Mom: I want to tell you something I’ve learned. I know that God loves me very much, and He loves you very much. He says it in the Bible. Now God expects me to obey Him, and I want to obey Him because I love Him. He has given me the job of parenting and disciplining you in love.
God also expects you to honor and obey your parents, and because you disobeyed, you need to be disciplined and face the consequences of your choices.
But I understand that sometimes you will make mistakes, and I will still love you, just as God loves you. We are all sinners, and we make wrong choices. But when we admit our sins and ask God to forgive us, He forgives us, even when we don’t deserve it—because Jesus paid the price for our sins. That’s God’s grace.
And when we understand His grace, it makes us want to obey Him even more.2
2. Keeping quiet about their own struggles to obey God
Why this mistake is understandable
In an attempt to be good role models for their children, parents aren’t usually open with their kids about their own struggles with God’s discipline. The parent may feel that, as an adult, he should be the example of what it looks like to obey God cheerfully and willingly, and that it would be detrimental for the child to realize that the parent isn’t handling life flawlessly.
And typically, when a child has disobeyed a rule, the parent is not even thinking about how he, too, sometimes rebels against God’s correction. Picture this:
Dad [voice tight]: Son, you were supposed to take the trash out. This is the third time this week that I’ve come home to overflowing bags in the kitchen, and it stinks!
Son: I forgot.
Dad [voice rising]: You have a simple task to remember, and it’s not that hard to do. Your mom works hard around the house every day, cooking and cleaning. I work long hours to provide for the family. You don’t see us slacking off! We don’t ask you to do much, and yet you can’t remember to take out the trash? Can’t you smell it?!
A better approach
Remind parents that keeping quiet about their own weaknesses and focusing only on what the child is doing wrong sends a message to the child. A parent needs to consider what message the child is actually receiving from him in a moment of correction.
Dr. Jim Newheiser shares with parents the importance of transparency and honesty with their kids:
To be honest about our weaknesses and our shortcomings is biblical. I think it’s going to point the kids more to the gospel, as opposed to thinking, “Why can’t you be like me? Why can’t you be perfect like I am?” No parent would articulate those words, but sometimes when we’re monitoring our children, that’s almost what we sound like.
I have more [similarities] with my kid than differences. We’re both sinners. We both, even when we try, fail to do all that God would have us to do. We both need God’s grace.3
By being open about personal struggles with God’s discipline, a parent can impart the message, “I know what it’s like to struggle. I understand what it’s like to be a sinner who gets disciplined by God. And when I fail to obey, I don’t always like it either. But I am so thankful for God’s mercy, and I know He loves me, and I want to be conformed to be like Christ.”
A word of warning, though: while sharing honestly with children is good, parents need to use wisdom as to how much is appropriate to share with the child, depending on age, maturity, gender, and other factors (Prov. 10:19, 15:2).
3. Thinking they are in control / Not entrusting their child to God
Why this mistake is understandable
The Bible is clear: “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it” (Prov. 22:6). So many parents assume that if they offer a godly environment (keeping bad influences out of the house by monitoring TV shows, Internet, music, and kids’ friends), if they faithfully have their kids in church, if they pray, if they hold family devotions, if they provide their kids with a good education, if they give their kids opportunity to develop talents in sports or the arts, then their children are guaranteed to “turn out okay.” But if a child begins to disobey or rebel, the parent can become increasingly frustrated with himself, the child, and God.
A better approach
Parents need to be regularly reminded that (1) verses like Proverbs 22:6 aren’t guarantees, they’re maxims, and (2) their kids are complex spiritual beings who are responsible for the choices they make. The message to impart to parents who are trying so very hard to control the outcome of their parenting is one that can actually be liberating:
Since what determines a child’s future is ultimately beyond a parent’s control, one of the best things a parent can do is entrust his child to God (Phil. 1:6; 2 Pet. 3:9; 1 Cor. 3:6–7).
Carol Floch, counselor and author of The Single Mom’s Devotional, says: “When we entrust ourselves [and our children] to the One who is ultimately in control, and find our peace there, that is a place of great security.”4
So what does it look like to let go without abdicating parental responsibilities? Dr. Jim Newheiser shares two lessons he learned from personal experience:
Listen to the kids:
Encourage parents to create an environment where kids can share, explore, and discuss ideas with the parent—where the adult listens and interacts with the child and his ideas.
A thing I think I was failing to do was to really learn to listen to my kids as they were becoming adults. As they were forming their own ideas, I was trying to conform them to my ideas that I thought were the biblical ideas. As they began to think differently from me, I don’t think I gave them a lot of freedom to express those ideas, where I should have.
I think it would be very wise for a parent, when your child is becoming an adult, not to be threatened by them questioning their faith, even questioning your moral values, but rather [create a relationship where] they could feel free to talk about that and not be afraid that you’re going to bite their head off or dominate the situation, but [know] that you’re going to listen and understand and interact with them as the adults they’re becoming. And then your position, in terms of their heart, is really one of persuasion, not control.5
Enjoy the kids:
Also encourage parents to be intentional about building a relationship with the child, a relationship where two people just enjoy being with one another. Dr. Newheiser says, “Sometimes I was so busy trying to get it all right that I wasn’t enjoying my kids as much as I should. I was just so driven—we’re going to have our family devotions, we’re going to do these important things, we’re going to discipline for this, and it was all very intense. I’ve seen in families that have been the most successful: in addition to having discipline, they just have a great time together.”6
God does not hold parents responsible to control the beliefs and desires of their children. Instead, He asks them to trust Him with their children, and to relinquish the idea that they even had control in the first place.
Conclusion
Challenge your people to parent by faith: to reconsider current parenting habits from a gospel-centered perspective and to relinquish things they are trying so hard to control. Challenge your parents to have the faith to respond to parenting situations in ways they wouldn’t instinctively respond. This is a call to trust God with the results—by parenting His way.
How can you use the points in this article to help a family in your church who is struggling with parenting?
Footnotes:
- Church Initiative interview with Jim Newheiser, June 2010.
- Obviously, no conversation goes exactly like this. But parents can be coached to look for and take advantage of opportunities to share the gospel with their children when they are disciplining and correcting them.
- Church Initiative interview with Jim Newheiser.
- Church Initiative interview with Carol Floch, November 2010.
- Church Initiative interview with Jim Newheiser.
- Church Initiative interview with Jim Newheiser.