The world finds lust, fantasy, masturbation, and pornography not only acceptable, but something to be elevated and encouraged, because they’ve embraced the belief that if anyone is being hurt, it’s only the person looking at porn. This is a lie. A wife is part of the collateral damage that’s resulted from her husband’s addiction.
There are four misconceptions that many hold about pornography addiction and the betrayed wife. Being aware of these myths will help you improve your counseling strategy to these women.
Misconception 1: “She’s handling it well”
It’s likely you don’t have to search your memory very far back to recall the last wife who sat in your office talking about her husband’s addiction to pornography. I’d like to tell you what she probably didn’t say in that counseling session.
She didn’t tell you that while she appreciates the help her husband is getting, inside she’s screaming, “What about me? I didn’t choose this! He broke my heart for porn!”
She didn’t tell you her husband’s “secret sin” has now become her own dirty little secret. Fear of judgment and additional repercussions for her and her family prevent her from sharing her pain with others.
She didn’t tell you that she blames herself—that when her husband turns to images of other women to meet his sexual needs, she believes there must be something wrong with her. She feels rejected and inadequate. She also feels responsible to fix this somehow.
She probably didn’t tell you that she is afraid. She’s afraid that …
- Being close to her husband will never feel safe again and that she’ll throw up if he tries to touch her.
- If she lets her guard down, he will hurt her again, so she acts like the porn police.
- Her husband will choose to continue in his sin and not seek healing.
- Recurrence and deception will leave her looking like a gullible idiot.
- She’ll never trust the man she married because lies have been the backbone supporting the pornography addiction in her marriage.
Though the fabric of her life may feel like it’s unraveling, she needs assurance that God is able to meet her in the center of her pain and that there is always hope in Jesus. He will comfort her in her grief, and He will be her strength in this battle. This is not the matrimonial trip of a lifetime that she had planned. In fact, much has been lost. She needs you to give her opportunities to name and grieve those losses. Some of those losses may be obvious (financial security, employment, health), while others may be less tangible, like trust, respect, and self-worth.
When I say “grieve” those losses, I mean grieve. Hand her a box of tissues and assure her that our God is big enough to handle her tears, then listen. This isn’t the time for well-intended, but unhelpful, spiritual platitudes. She longs to hear that she’s not alone and that though you don’t have all the answers, you’re so glad she told you the truth about what’s going on. I’ve learned that we can only praise God to the degree we have lamented. Once she’s grieved her losses, she’s in a better position to set aside her own agenda and accept the path God has set for her for this time.
Misconception 2: If she’d been sexually available and kept her figure, the husband wouldn’t have turned to porn
No wife is to blame for her husband’s addiction to pornography. Each of us bears the responsibility for our own choices. She needs to hear that she can’t control her husband’s choices, nor can she do anything to fix this for him. She can only take care of her business with Christ, live according to God’s Word, and work with you (a counselor or pastor) on her damaged heart.
During the initial stages of ministry to the wife of a porn addict, a wife must be assured that her husband’s enslavement to pornography is his responsibility. It is not her fault. She should never be led to think that his addiction has to do with her appearance, her bedroom performance, or her availability.
This does not mean that the wife is perfect. Later in the healing process—after she has had ample time (months, not weeks) to reveal her heart, grieve the layers of losses, become part of a support network, and understand that God is able to handle this—you can help the wife engage in some constructive self-examination to determine if there’s some things that she has done to contribute to his addiction. She might consider her reactions to his current progress and current choices, whether she’s withdrawing emotionally, if she’s using past sins against him, etc. But foremost, she must understand that her husband’s choice to view pornography is not about her.
Misconception 3: If the husband stops using porn, she should magically be “over it”
Just because the habit is over, doesn’t mean the havoc is over.
Trust is an asset we don’t fully appreciate until we don’t have it in a relationship. Before she was aware of her husband’s addiction, she probably didn’t give trust a second thought. Since the discovery and the awareness that lies had covered up her ability to see what he was doing in the past, now she conjures up countless possibilities in her mind every time her husband walks out the door.
Let’s consider for a moment what possessed her husband to lie in the first place. He lied because …
- He could, and for a time, it worked.
- He was self-deceived.
- He hoped to avoid conflict with her.
- He feared the consequences of her knowing the truth.
- He feared the possibility of not being able to “have it all”—have both her and the outside sexual opportunities.
Ultimately, it backfired. Lies are a tool of the devil because they kill trust.
Trust will either be built or destroyed in the countless choices the wife and her husband make moment by moment. His behaviors will become her trust barometer. If he wants to demonstrate his trustworthiness, and he is making right choices, he will have no problem being accountable and undergoing a reasonable degree of scrutiny. If, however, he insists that she should simply “get over it” and take his word that he’s “done doing that,” and he resists accountability, she needs to be cautious about trusting. This is a direct indication that he is not serious about healing from his addiction and restoring trust in their marriage.
Misconception 4: It’s enough for her to understand the addiction and her role in recovery
Understanding her husband’s history with pornography, what triggers her husband’s behavior, and what he’s looking for from porn is helpful to know, but it’s insufficient. While it’s absolutely necessary for there to be a focus on the husband’s habit, the unfortunate reality is that there is rarely attention given to the healing of the wife. She has a deeply wounded heart that also requires attention if there is hope of a restored marriage.
The unfortunate reality is that there is rarely attention given to the healing of the wife.
- Offer a support group for wives in your church. A healthy support group—whether facilitated by a therapist, a lay leader, or another wife who has navigated her own journey of a broken heart—provides a place of encouragement and empathy while maintaining confidentiality. I’ve recently written a leader’s guide for those who want to offer a support group for wives, to be used with my book When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart. You can access that guide here.
- Point wives to an online support group for wives. While I am quick to point people toward pastoral and professional counseling, I also know that there’s something special and safe about a support group led by a woman who is able to say, “I know what it’s like in your shoes because I’ve walked in them. I also know what it’s like to stand victorious and have a restored heart after pornography, and I’m here to walk with you through the mess.” This is why I offer a small, confidential, online support group for wives through my ministry. I hope you’ll offer something in your church, but if you can’t, please share my online support group with the hurting wives in your church. They can access that group here.
When you’re meeting with the wife of a man with a porn sin issue, assure her that her broken heart matters, then help her build a small tribe of safe support.
Help her build a small tribe of safe support.
Conclusion
Heart healing needs to come first. It is beautiful when a wife can take the broken pieces of her heart and make them available to the Master Restorer, who will take those pieces and make something stunning. Psalm 147:3 (ESV) assures us that “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” When her heart is whole, she is then in the perfect position to contribute to an environment of healing in her marriage.
Sam Hodges and Kathy Leonard provide additional tips on ministering to a betrayed wife in “Screen-shattered: Helping spouses deal with online affairs” where they share the story of Sarah, whose husband engaged in online pornography and cybersex.
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